flattened air mattresses, inflated hope

If I owned a truck, I would only sleep in the back of it with one of these mattresses

Saturday night was FSC Graduation, the night that so many of my peers had anticipated their whole adult life. The evening was filled with celebration, joy and nostalgia. And as always with my group of peers, there was the lingering sense of unsettlement, especially on my part. Even after the counsel of a local pastor and newest bestie (yes, you andy oliver), I still had this murky feeling running through me.

My good and very goofy friends, jon and tanner, were in the process of moving out. Which means there in an absence of furniture at their house. So when I spent the night after graduation, I got stuck with the inflatable mattress. Initially, it was a comfortable option. But I could tell that as I was trying to sleep, I could feel my body sinking.I kept sinking and sinking until the only thing separating me from the tile floor was a thin piece of rubber. As you can imagine, this was painfully uncomfortable.

But I did something strange- I convinced myself that I could make it work. There was a number of different sleeping positions I was used to- One of them had to work. I tried over and over- face up, face down, fetal, freestyle, everything. A couple of times during this process, I looked up and saw Lauren’s empty room, full of a mattress without sheets. It looked infinitely more comfortable, but I had convinced myself that I was going to make this nonexistent air mattress work. But ultimately, I gave in. Around seven am, I crawled into Lauren’s old room wrapped thick as an eskimo in blankets and plopped myself down on her bed , relieved at the comfort of a warm mattress.

What took me so long? Why was I determined to make this situation work, even though I know it was all wrong for me? If I saw a better option, Why didn’t I just take it? Was it my own ego? Was I dead set on making the impossible work for me? Why was I convinced that I needed to change, that it was somehow my fault that the mattress had failed?

Does any of this sound familiar?

It did to me too.

Some of us are convinced that whatever negative situation we are in is just how it is supposed to be. We punish ourselves by thinking we have brought our pain upon ourselves.  We may see the hope ahead of us, but unwilling to take it for this reason or that. And sometimes, we really are suck and just physically can’t get out of the predicament we are in. But we forget that whatever we are going through is merely temporary. Morning will come. There will be a new bed.

What is your deflated mattress? What’s the situation that you are trying to fight instead of making peace with? What’s stopping you from choosing what’s better for you?

May you have hope in the temporary nature of suffering and pain. May you know that you deserve the best that life has to offer and be thankful for the blessings that have been given to you. And may you choose the path that takes you to comfort and rest.

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