I am the Man in Black

In less than a week, the LOST series will come to an end. Throughout the whole series, I’ve never known exactly who to root for. Who is the bad guy? For many seasons, you found yourself hating some characters and then coming to love them again, always unsure of who the is the bad guy. But now, this villain has been identified.

The enemy of the people on the island is the Man in Black.

He is, and always has been the nemesis of the story.

Today, I started daydreaming about our own personal stories, the screenplay we write in our own minds. In our stories, we are the hero.  In order to be a true hero, an adversary must also be identified. In my own life, it seems pretty clear in my own mind who I would identify as my foe, although it would change from time to time. But if I were to ever write the novella of my life, I could easily label who that person is. I’m sure you could probably name yours too.

But then it struck me- Is it possible that I am someone else’s nemesis? Is there someone in the world that would write their memoir and craft me the villain? I would not particularly paint myself to be evil or hateful. It seems absurd that someone would possibly view me this way.

Or is it?

The concept of becoming a villain brings about a myriad of questions. Are all people bad? Are all people good? What causes a person to be evil?  What is the purpose behind identifying those we hate? What does this accomplish in our own lives? Is it a desire for darkness, the self or just a response to previous unresolved pain?

The man in black has finally revealed his motivation for wanting to get off the island- he had been previously hurt. Someone had lied to him and he felt betrayed. He wants to leave the island not to spread evil among the world, as I had previously thought. He wants to escape the island which he associates with the pain of his childhood.

How often is this our own reasoning for being hurtful to others?

A note to my unknown rival,

I am deeply sorry for ever hurting you. It was never my intention to bring you pain. It might have come from my own selfish desires. Or maybe I hurt you because I have some wounds in my own life that have not yet healed. I’ve screwed up before. And as much as I don’t want to admit it, I will do so again because I am human. But I am learning from my mistakes and I’m trying to be a more considerate person. I hope you will forgive me.

Sincerely,

Pam

TED talks about human slavery

TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) talks is an non-profit organization that hosts lectures on “Ideas worth spreading”.  The subject of these lectures vary a bit (I once heard one lecture on the importance of Play and it made me want to jump on a trampoline) but are always fascinating and educational. To download lectures through itunes, go to this website.

I bring this up because Google Reader took me to a TEDtalks lecture that I hadn’t seen yet but on a topic very close to my heart- Human Slavery. In this lecture, Kevin Bales, a professor of sociology and a consultant to the United Nations Global Program on Human Trafficking, is according to his TED profile, “one of the world’s foremost experts on modern slavery”.

After you see this video, you will understand why. Not only does he lay out the facts behind human trafficking (27 million people are in modern day slavery today) but he also lays the groundwork for how to create sustainable freedom for these victims. He also wrote a book called “Ending Slavery:How we free slaves today”. In it, he lays out a realistic method for ending human slavery in the next 25 years.

I encourage everyone to watch this video and share this information with your friends and family.

flattened air mattresses, inflated hope

If I owned a truck, I would only sleep in the back of it with one of these mattresses

Saturday night was FSC Graduation, the night that so many of my peers had anticipated their whole adult life. The evening was filled with celebration, joy and nostalgia. And as always with my group of peers, there was the lingering sense of unsettlement, especially on my part. Even after the counsel of a local pastor and newest bestie (yes, you andy oliver), I still had this murky feeling running through me.

My good and very goofy friends, jon and tanner, were in the process of moving out. Which means there in an absence of furniture at their house. So when I spent the night after graduation, I got stuck with the inflatable mattress. Initially, it was a comfortable option. But I could tell that as I was trying to sleep, I could feel my body sinking.I kept sinking and sinking until the only thing separating me from the tile floor was a thin piece of rubber. As you can imagine, this was painfully uncomfortable.

But I did something strange- I convinced myself that I could make it work. There was a number of different sleeping positions I was used to- One of them had to work. I tried over and over- face up, face down, fetal, freestyle, everything. A couple of times during this process, I looked up and saw Lauren’s empty room, full of a mattress without sheets. It looked infinitely more comfortable, but I had convinced myself that I was going to make this nonexistent air mattress work. But ultimately, I gave in. Around seven am, I crawled into Lauren’s old room wrapped thick as an eskimo in blankets and plopped myself down on her bed , relieved at the comfort of a warm mattress.

What took me so long? Why was I determined to make this situation work, even though I know it was all wrong for me? If I saw a better option, Why didn’t I just take it? Was it my own ego? Was I dead set on making the impossible work for me? Why was I convinced that I needed to change, that it was somehow my fault that the mattress had failed?

Does any of this sound familiar?

It did to me too.

Some of us are convinced that whatever negative situation we are in is just how it is supposed to be. We punish ourselves by thinking we have brought our pain upon ourselves.  We may see the hope ahead of us, but unwilling to take it for this reason or that. And sometimes, we really are suck and just physically can’t get out of the predicament we are in. But we forget that whatever we are going through is merely temporary. Morning will come. There will be a new bed.

What is your deflated mattress? What’s the situation that you are trying to fight instead of making peace with? What’s stopping you from choosing what’s better for you?

May you have hope in the temporary nature of suffering and pain. May you know that you deserve the best that life has to offer and be thankful for the blessings that have been given to you. And may you choose the path that takes you to comfort and rest.

The Devil Gives me everything-Willie West

I love discovering new things. This is one of the major reasons why I love driving by myself and I don’t mind getting lost. Sometimes on these adventures, I have found fun thrift shops or cool parks. Whatever the case, I love finding out about things and obsessing over them. And part of the best part of discovering new things is sharing it with friends.

So here it is. My top 5 fav new finds

1- Zooey Deschenel

Let’s be honest- The WORLD is discovering Zooey. Back in the day, she was just a quirky blonde, with a nice voice playing opposite of will ferrell in Elf. She was a psycho on Weeds and was in the Happening (did anyone actually see this? I only saw on IMDB). Then 500 days of summer happened and WHAM! She is everywhere, be it commercials for cotton or Funny or die skits . This cute girl with a love of 1960s fashion and enormous blue eyes is so stinkin’ lovable. On top of it all, her project She & Him with guitarist, M. Ward is this fantastic collaboration that I just can’t shake off. As my friend Tanner put it best- “I dare you to name someone cuter than Zooey Deschanel.” Could you think of anyone? Me neither.

2- Stereomood

This came from a first love of stumbleupon, the greatest distraction tool invented for college students. I came across this site called stereomood.com that simply said at the top of the screen “listen to the music that best suits your mood”. Bellow that, it listed every single mood I could begin to think of. Dreamy, Energetic, Melancholy, Sleepy, Untroubled, and the list goes on. Some are even more specific, like “Sunday morning, Spring Cleaning, Lost in thought”. And these playlists are perfect. I can’t explain how they magically match my mood, but they just do. It’s an amazing selection of all sorts of music. Today my playlist had Nancy Sinatra, Eddie Vedder, Nirvana and a composition from LOST. You can also create your own playlists. I’ve been working on one called “writing my thesis” which has  of course, a cover of  “Satisfaction” by Cat Power. It’s definitely worth checking out.

3- I am an emotional creature

A week ago, I got an unexpected package in the mail from my wonderful friend Keri. She had sent me a book with a clever cover, handwritten font all over the cover reading “I am an emotional creature“. Inside, was a post it that said “I don’t know if you’ll be able to use this for your thesis, but it looks interesting- for sure!” This book was written by Eve Ensler  who also wrote the Vagina Monolougues. The whole book consists of monologues for an about girls all over the world. The idea behind it is that while women need to embrace their bodies, girls need to embrace the fact that they are emotional creatures. It has been a lovely read, wonderfully crafted stories about girls from Egypt to China, all based on real life stories of girls and the problems they go through. The one I read most recently was about a 13yearold girl in China who worked in a factory, making barbie dolls. It has been a great read and a wonderful gift from a friend

4- Nissan Xterra

I don’t know anything about cars. I know I own a hyundai, I used to own a jeep…and that’s about where my knowledge ends. I struggle to recognize cars to the point where a friend admonished me for mixing up a Ford and a Chevy. Yesterday, a friend of mind was telling me about a Dodge viper and I didn’t know what that was. So I have been testing myself. When I drive around Tampa, I will make a point of noticing the make and model of the cars around me. And I’m doing okay.  There is one car in particular that every time I see on the road, I always turn my head- The Nissan Xterra. I love the way it looks, the size, how high it is off the ground, how sporty it is,  and the roof rack. It just seems like a car to have an adventure in.  Still don’t know mechanics or gas mileage or anything important you are supposed to know about a car. But I like it nonetheless and I daydream of what it would be like to own one.

5- THIS-

I went thrift store shopping today, looking for some cowboy boots and found this for $1.99. Greatest find ever? I thought so too. Who doesn’t want a wooden cut out of the last super, with a pop art style shade of sky blue as the background??

“What can be learned from Tracy Morgan?”

If you asked my closest friends to take a poll listing all the things I have professed to love, that list would most likely include 30 rock…though I’m not entirely sure what else they would say. Probably crafts and the ukulele. But I digress…

The plot follows the story of Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), the head writer on a show called TGS, a skit comedy show modeling the format of SNL. The overall arching plot shows Liz, attempting to keep peace between kooky writers, attention seeking actors and the demands from the head of NBC, Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin), all while attempting to get her messy life into order. The plot of this show has actually been compared to that of the Muppet show, which may be all the more reason I love it.

So why do I love this show, to the point where I try and modify my schedule just so I can watch it every thursday?

I’d say it’s three-fold.

1. I love identifying with Tina Fey. Her character is not only stylish, but a reminder that women can be and are funny. Also, I love rooting for her in her misadventures.
2. The humor. The goofy, over the top characters interact with each other in ways that only happen in this show. Every week, I end up cracking up and then quoting it for years to come. (“Who’s got two thumbs, speaks limited french and hasn’t cried once today? This moi!”) Fun fact- some of the jokes in 30 rock were based off of things Tina Fey’s daughter has said, such as the infamous “I want to go to there” line.  And also “Touch my knee’s butt” (Thanks Alison Peebles!)
3. Jack Donaghy’s character. “Nuts to you, McGullicuty”. Okay story time. After many conversations of humor, I convinced my old boss, Mark, to watch 30 rock. After which, we talked about what he liked and what he didn’t. He argued that he couldn’t stand Tina Fey (heartbreak!) but that he loved Jack because he was, more or less, the only progressive character on the show, making him the hero. The more I watch, the more I agree

The main reason I wanted to talk about 30 rock today is because I have always been impressed with GE and NBC for blatantly making fun of themselves. Jack’s character is an over the top caricature of executives in the system who live extravagant business class lifestyles, demand unrealistic product placement (“‘His head is a microwave!’-'Yes, but it’s such a wonderful GE microwave’”). All too often, they make jokes or slide remarks on NBC, with plot lines like being owned by a wig company that pollutes rivers and died the skin of some kids orange. They are clearly making fun of the companies that put their show on television and the greatest part about it is that NBC and GE are okay with this enough to let it air on television. They are able to laugh at themselves.

Which makes me think about laughing at yourself. Which makes me wonder if over the years, we as people have become too calloused, too serious and too competitive. We have become a group of people so unrelenting that we must express our opinion and not see the other side of things. We are not willing to see the other side of the spectrum and to see how they see us, even if it is to see how they find us funny. Take a lesson from General Electric- be willing to see the other side of things and to laugh at ourselves.

For those of you who haven’t watched, I urge you to see this thing for yourself. You will not be disappointed.

Please feel free to comment and leave your favorite 30 rock quote- “beep beep ribby ribby”

100 years- Dr. Dog

Have you ever had over 50 people scream your name all at once before?

I have. A couple of times, actually.

They were all middle school and high school students, but it still was cool. It was over the summer at camp and I was waiting for the youth group I had worked with or over a year and half to arrive. They were late (it’s their style) and so most of the counselors had to go inside. About a half an hour before registration was over, an old school bus pulled up to the front of the camp and when they saw me, all the students stuck their heads out of the car and with utmost volume and excitement, bellowed- PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

This is not the first time or the last time I will hear my name screamed by middle schoolers. It’s a strange feeling, to hear your name shouted simultaneously among a crowd. You love it, partly for the attention (can’t deny that) but also for the affection on the other end of that.

I used to hate my name. Once in high school, I tried to convince everyone to start calling me “Mel” (paMELa-see it?). But it didn’t stick. My friends have always liked my name, but only because there is so much you can do with it. Over the years I have been called Pamburger, Pammer Bammer, Pamera, Pampire, Pamantha, Pammer the Hammer, Pamberly, Palmolive, Pamcakes, Pamelot, and the list goes on.

I was thinking about these stories, hearing my name shouted by MS students, remembering how and when people came up with these nicknames. It’s flattering to look back and to see that my name is worth celebrating to some. I’m so grateful for my friends being a support system, but  I rarely think of myself as a valuable part of their lives. Same with my students. I love them, even though they sometimes drive me crazy (especially at lock-ins- BUH). They do weird things like cling to my ankles so I can’t move. But it’s their way of showing affection. And I don’t want to forget these small moments.

Post unitasking -9days

This post is long overdue. It’s been over 2 weeks since I posted and I haven’t exactly taken the time to reflect on my experimonth in blog format for you all to enjoy.

A.J. Jacobs wrote his conclusion on a type writer. I neither own a typewriter or know of a way to upload the writings of a typewriter onto my blog. I’ll stick with my laptop.

I will have you know that right now, I am typing, watching LOST and babysitting, though the latter is a technicality since the kiddos are already asleep. Post unitasking month, I have relished in my ability to multitask. I have listened to This American Life while driving and loved it. I have caught up on hulu clips while braiding my hair.  I have loved it. Even now, I love blogging during commercial breaks.

I do value the time I spent unitaksing since it taught me how to really appreciate the task at hand, whether it is baking bread, talking to a friend, reading scripture or even listening to a song. I believe that this time spent was valuable, even though at times it was super annoying.

In most research articles, it will list the areas in which the research fell short or ways they further research could improve. Likewise, I feel like it is necessary to identify some of my own short comings in my own experiment.

1-Stricter boundaries. In some areas of my experiment, I was a little more flexible than others. I didn’t meditate every day, though I tried. I originally set limits to when I would answer phone calls and texts, only allowing myself to answer 3 times a day. As you can imagine, that didn’t pan out like I expected.

2- Different focusing techniques. When it comes to focusing, there are multiple methods for obtaining this skill. I assumed that by taking away distractions, it would help me direct my attention. If I could do it again, I would try different methods. There was even one from Donald Miller involving a kitchen timer, one technique I fully intend to implement as soon as tomorrow.

There may have been others, but these were the two that were most prominent. I don’t regret having taken a month of my life to do this and in fact, I think I learned a lot about myself through this process.

I would encourage you, my readers, that if there is something that you want to try, to stretch yourself, even if it seems extreme or unobtainable, do it. Give up a month and do it. Try painting each day. Attempt to be optimistic for the month. Learn a new skill, even if it’s extreme skateboarding. Whatever it is, give it a try.

In other news, I uploaded all of my past LJ posts from High School and beyond onto my blog. It starts in February 2009 and goes all the way to January 2004. If you want a good laugh, feel free to check out 17 year old pam. You can always start here

I wish I was a waffle- Day 22

First off, as of my last post, I have officially gotten 1000+ hits on my blog! Thank you guys so much for actually sticking with me, reading my musings as unpolished and crazy as they may be. I appreciate it more than you know.

Okay. As promised- compartmentalizing.

Tanner one time told me an analogy that he saw on the back of a book which in his opinion, solidified the reason he would never understand the female brain. He said that men are like waffles because their minds are divided into different sections and all things remain in separate categories. Whereas women are like spaghetti because in their brains, everything is connected, nothing separate from one another.

As it turns out, this book is aptly named “Men are like Waffles and Women are like Spaghetti”, by Bill and Pam Farrel. I’ve never read this book but I would like to at some point because I believe the overall idea is completely true. At least for me, it is not uncommon to make links or connections that otherwise would seem unrelated. Which would be great if I were doing therapy or fighting crime. The downside is that it’s difficult to separate events from one another. For example, if something happens which causes a girl, say myself, to become upset or angry, that girl is  very likely to let those feelings or frustration affect the rest of her day, affecting every part of her work.

This has happened to me three times during this month. Maybe there were more, but there are at least three that I can remember in full detail. I remember what it was like to babysit after having an argument and not being fully present with the kids I would sit. Or attempting to read for school after hearing some puzzling information. It’s almost impossible for me to let go of the thing that I can’t instantly come back to and to attempt to do something else. Maybe that’s why when in conflict I prefer to settle the issue ASAP- because if I don’t it’s going to haunt me all day and night.

Unfortunately, our world can’t stop in times of conflict, which have been the focus of my breaks in concentration. There is something to be said for the way the male mind works. I will even go as far as to praise it in this area- Compartmentalizing makes unitasking work. By separating each area of a person’s life, they are able to provide the attention needed to each given area. This is an element I have had to attempt to adopt as part of this project. I have had to tell my brain that it is no longer time to think about this but we have to switch gears. And surprisingly, my brain listened to me instead of digging its heals in.  It doesn’t always happen quickly or even at all. But then again, my noodle head isn’t used to all this structure.

A while back ago, I read on another uni-tasking blog that you need to schedule time out of your day to worry and stress. Then, once you are done, move on with your day. It sounds bizarre, but it might not be that crazy of an idea.

BTW- an excerpt from the book says that because the female brain is so interconnected, women tend to be better at mult-tasking. So maybe this project has been far more difficult for me than for A.J. because I had to naturally fight the structure of my brain.

Then again, he had a wife and three kids. Yeah, he wins.

The world can wait- Day 17

As it turns out, limiting a person’s intake of music does not in turn, limit the number of songs stuck in that person’s head.

Recommended soundtrack (only I can’t listen along with you)- The World Can Wait by Over the Rhine

This is a sentiment that has been running through my head all day. Granted, the song is about questioning your faith. But the notion that what might be happening in the world can go on pause, if even only for a little while. Because what I’m doing right now is the most important thing.

Earlier this year, Jon, Tanner and I drove up to Durham, NC to visit some friends up at Duke and experience Camp Out first hand. While Jon was driving through South Carolina, he announced that he was decidedly not going to speak for the rest of the time spent driving through the state. And that’s exactly what he did. Tanner and I kept on talking, Tanner trying to get a rise out of Jon ever once in a while. But Jon stayed true. Once he crossed the border into NC, Jon then proceeded to rattle off a list of his response to everything he wanted to say in the past 3+ hrs but couldn’t. I wish I could remember what he said. I know one thing he said was something bear/fighting related.

This story comes to mind because it represents a notion that I have started to truly understand during this process. Immediacy is not always a great thing. There is something to be said for patience and focus.

I have felt guilty a lot this month for various reasons. One part of that is that I am not as readily available as I have been in the past. A friend of mine called me to see if I wanted to get Chipotle one day and I didn’t get the message until after he had already left the area. Not being able to respond to phone calls demands preplanning everything. Just like how people did before cell phones back in the olden days. Which sounds silly to say. But seriously. People had to preplan all get-togethers and didn’t have the luxury of calling to let your date know you were running late to the malt-shop because you spilled something on your poodle skirt.
Okay bad example- If it were a guy in the 50s, he would have known better than to meet her there. He would have picked her up.

The point being- I called Tim (dollar a day diet guy) today with a premeditated list of everything I had wanted to say earlier via text but couldn’t because I wasn’t available. And he didn’t suffer because I didn’t respond immediately. In fact, both the task I was working on and the conversation later on got my full attention, rather than only a fraction.

Perhaps the best thing about this experiment is devoting my attention to what is happening in the moment. Becasue frankly, the world can wait. No one is going to mind that I didn’t answer my phone right way or catch the live Olympics. I can always catch the highlights later. What I am doing right now is the only thing that matters.

If I put that kind of dedication to the things I did, I can only dream of how much better my friendships would be and how much more productive I would be.

More reflection posts to come: Guilt, Compartmentalizing, Unitasking Marathon*.

Stay strong Experimonth followers. Remember- Today starts Ash Wednesday, a holy time for self denial and spiritual reflection in preparation for Easter Sunday. Many people give up addictions like Chocolate and Soda. Thats a fine thing to give up but remember why we do this- to deny ourselves as Christ when he fasted for 40 days before he began ministry. It is so we can prepare our hearts through justifying grace, seeking after the heart of God. I highly advocate recognizing lent. What would you be willing to give up this year?

*Unitasking Marathon- Someone recently recommended that I attempt to complete 60 tasks in 60 minutes, one minute for each task. The idea would be that it would be a marathon of unitasking. Each task must be complete by the end of each minute. If not, I would have to go onto the next task.

I like this idea a lot. The only problem is coming up with 60 tasks that I could do. We have some- tie my shoes, drink a glass of water, put on mascara. Then others just for funzies- blowing bubbles, doing the macarena, jumping rope.

I need help coming up with activities/tasks that could be done in a minute. If you have any suggestions, please let me know!

Tina Fey’s thoughts on Multi-tasking

Haha!! How funny! My iconic comedy actress, Tina Fey actually did a video blog answering questions from viewers. One of which was about time management.

Her answer? Multi-tasking. Why? Also reason why Multi-tasking can be a bad idea

Just watch for yourself here. Enjoy!